Since we took a trip into gaslighting last week, this week I wanted to explore another word that’s perhaps a bit overused but very much a real issue: the toxic boss, coworker, or workplace.
I can’t tell you how this came to be such a buzzword in the world of work, but if I had to guess, I would say that the pandemic showed us all some of the deep ugliness we’d been putting up with, and we came up with a name for it.
Workplace toxicity existed long before the pandemic, of course, but without a lockdown to highlight things for us, we mostly just went about our lives, dealing with bully bosses, emotional vampire coworkers, and excessively demanding customers because it’s what we were used to. When many of us suddenly had to work from home, though, the inequities became really clear. For those who were able to work from home, not dealing with the worst people in the office made us realize just how bad things were. And for those who were deemed essential workers, the stark contrast between our work and the work of those apparently non-essential but better-paid workers.
But what should you do if your boss is the one poisoning the well?
Well, start by knowing that it’s not you. That’s not to say that there aren’t somethings you can do to improve the situation, of course, but to remind you that it isn’t your fault. Try to let go of your feelings of guilt and shame about the bad boss—easier said than done, I know.
Next, try approaching the situation with an assumption of positive intent. That may very well not be the case, but assuming that it is will help you handle things better and feel enough resilience to get your work done.
Clarify things as much as you can. My general preference is to do this in writing as much as possible, following up communications with a confirming email and so on. However, if you have a supervisor who likes to berate you in public, try clarifying things with the audience as witnesses. This will be hard, too, especially if the chewing out is unexpected, but if it’s a habit your boss has, you can at least be prepared and ask questions while others act as witnesses. Get clear on what the feedback is, if you can, and try to keep your feelings out of the discussion. (You are, of course, welcome to vent all the emotions in private or with friends after the fact.) In my experience, bad bosses are often very poor communicators, so anything you can get clear on will help smooth things over, at least a bit.
As much as possible, try not to take things personally. All those bad traits are your supervisor’s issues, not yours. You will be in the line of fire, sadly, but it’s not about you. Even if the feedback is directed at you, try to remind yourself that you’re doing your best and whatever is making your boss so upset, you and your work are not the cause. You’re collateral damage, which it stinks to be, but it’s important to recognize.
Then identify a few key factors: your values and where they aren’t in alignment with your situation, the traits of your manager and how to identify them, and your key skills and accomplishments. Knowing your strengths will help you navigate the difficulties of your current situation, and being clear on your values and how to spot a bad boss will help you when it’s time to move on.
These tips won’t solve the problem, but hopefully they will give you what you need to survive until you can escape.
