Are you conflict-averse? If so, you have probably found yourself in work situations that make you super uncomfortable. Do you choose to be THAT person who points out that the hurtful joke wasn’t funny? Do you sit quietly and suffer? Do you listen to cruel “jokes” at the expense of one person and then afterwards let that person know you didn’t find their pain funny?
It’s an awful situation!
But I’m going to encourage you to find your voice whenever you can.
It’s often easier when the point you’re making is something that impacts you, rather than someone else. For example, when a relative of mine complained on social media about “cancel-culture” coming for Dr. Seuss, I shared images from the books his estate chose not to republish—images of Asian people in zoos, engaged in various acts demonstrating how very uncouth and lesser than they are—and pointed out that those people were exactly like me and the maternal half of my family. This was an easy thing to give voice to because I could demonstrate the ways attitudes like that continue to harm people who look Asian in the US, and that those people include my relatives.
For me, it’s harder when the people or person in question isn’t me or my kin. The tricky part isn’t so much wading into uncomfortable waters; it’s trying to make sure I’m not mentally acting as someone’s savior. This is one of those things I work to accomplish through “I” language, at least as much as makes sense. For instance, when I was on a work-related forum and people started saying it was just fine with them that pronouns are important to some people but they aren’t important to the posters, I pointed out that I introduce myself with my own pronouns to let others know I will honor what they tell me. And yes, I got accused of virtue-signaling, but I responded by misgendering the people who swore that wasn’t important to them and got a certain amount of petty satisfaction over it. To me, though, it was clear that I am not virtue-signaling when I do things like put my pronouns on my LinkedIn profile. What I’m doing is working to normalize the conversation around things like gender identity so that it’s clear that I am someone that people can have that conversation with. I don’t think I’m saving the poor, downtrodden trans and nonbinary folks out there but I want it to be known that I think this is a perfectly normal conversation to have.
So if you’re struggling with a difficult person, what are some ways you can begin to address that? Do you feel good just saying, “I’m sorry, Tim, I don’t understand your joke. Why is that funny?” Do you use a little dose of sarcasm: “Sure, and we all know that people who use wheelchairs are stupid, right?” Do you go for a straightforward response like, “Gosh, Mary, things like that don’t seem funny to me. That seemed to be at the expense of someone.” Do you have another approach that works for you?
I don’t think there’s a wrong approach to any of this, even if you snap at someone, as I once did to a supervisor who consistently misgendered a student we worked with. I do think, though, that it’s key to start stepping up, even when the conversations make us want to die a little. Even when saying something makes us feel like we’re going to throw up. Even when we know the people we’re talking to won’t change their opinions.
Because I think that people, in all our infinite variety, matter.
